So one of my many New Years’ Resolutions was to get back onto the dating scene. See what is out there. For some people that is probably something that is a given, and not something to make a resolution about. But for me, dating is not part of my life. I have to push myself to do it. Without going into too much detail, lets just say I have been single for over three years and have a deep-seated fear of intimacy.
I thought I would record this journey and the lessons that I have learned so far. Maybe it will help some of you, or maybe it will provide a good laugh at my failures.
So as part of this, I started swiping (again) on Tinder (have such a love-hate relationship with it) and came across a few people who might potentially be interesting. A date was organised. This led to another date. And to another. And now to radio silence.
I am sure most of us would be familiar with this situation.
But to prevent myself from spiraling, questioning what went wrong, I analysed the situation and came up with some thoughts.
With this particular person, I was not sure how I felt. I enjoyed hanging out with him but I was not sure where I wanted it to go. Quick background: he had been texting or ringing me every day for a week or so. Then one day he was not quick at replying to my messages. The next day he did not text. I texted him reasoning its the 21st century. I can make the effort. However, the more distant he got, the more my fight instinct was sparked. This is not a good reason to chase someone. I was chasing him as I felt that I had lost the power in the relationship.
So what do you do? Well that I do not have the answer to. But what I do have is some reflections from the situation.
Firstly, you should only invest in as much time as the other person is investing as that is the basis to a good relationship. Do not base your investment in a guy based on how much you like him, base it in how much he invests in you.
Secondly, you should not be offended. This person barely knows you. He has spend a couple of hours with you. That is not nearly enough time to get to know all your quirks and the depth of your personality. Therefore, do not feel personally offended if the person does not text you. He only knows the surface version of you.
Thirdly, carry on being a busy person. Since I have been single for so long, I am a very busy person. I tend to leave my house at eight in the morning for work and only get back home most nights past eleven. This is because I go to the gym, meet friends for drinks or dinner, go to events, have classes on etc. I am busy. Being a busy person will prevent you from obsessing over someone wondering what they are doing, but will also help you have a healthier future relationship. Your life should not stop for someone else. You should of course make space for them. But I firmly believe that a partner is there to compliment your life, not to complete it.
Fourthly, don’t be bitter. Understand that to find someone to be in a relationship with and to commit wholeheartedly needs to highly compliment you and fulfill your needs. Perhaps that person is not you. And that is okay. You cannot be perfect for everyone. And if you feel you are, then you are most likely catering to the other persons’ needs in place of your own.